for joel

relationships are a rollercoaster.

in bed.

"why did the chicken cross the road?"

taking over

okay not really. but i brought over my first piece of furniture to joel’s house. my tall dresser. i am seriously over living out of bags, making sure i have work clothes, underwear and stuff. it felt weird, having my stuff there. really weird, but a good weird. i wonder what he will say when he sees it thursday. lol. 

Well, isn’t he the cutest thing ever. He finally set up the computer in the new house and typed this to test out the printer. Lol.


in three and a half months we will have been back together for a year. in three in a half months we will be living together. and in three in a half months i imagine you will already have proposed, because you dont want us to live in sin. holy fuck. yes, that warrants a holy fuck. i am scared out of my mind with this sudden fast forward, which is odd, because i’ve always wished for these exact events to happen.

Waking up

One of my favorite things is waking up next to you on weekends (weekdays you wake up at 3 or 4 or 5am and I hate that shit). I love how you know I’m going for my phone, that I’m going to check in with my social media world (the world that you don’t get and kinda hate because I’m so addicted). That’s when you grab me and spoon me and wrap both your arms around me so I don’t move. Your spoony bear hug. I love that shit.


j - you guys are retarded.

e - as long as your happy.

m - i’ve always been an advocate of you two.

t - oh brother.

jg - is he serious? are you sure?

LOL. I love them.


friday started with a very productive me. i cleaned my room (finally, after rearranging it on christmas eve), did my laundry, took some nyquil and passed out. you said you were going to come over after poker, so you called me around 12:30AM and surprised me with late christmas gifts! a yoga towel, humidifier and some thrift store necklace that made you think of me. haha. the necklace was hideous, but with a few adjustments, i can make it work :) saturday morning was one of my favorites in a long time. i woke up early, as i usually do, tried to sleep, went to check if tiff came home (she didnt) so i let the dog out and fed him and you searched for a new place to eat. we went and had breakfast, ran some errands, i made you listen to all the french music i listened to when i couldnt stand music in english, we talked, went to go see Silver Linings Playbook, had thai for dinner, went back to my place and watched another movie (Extracted). sunday i woke up, left you and had breakfast with pnut. you were supposed to be gone by the time i got home, but had a feeling you would still be there when i got back. you were and i got a few more snuggles before you left. sunday was more laundry. some hot yoga. and i tried to go eat with E but shes doing low carb and was being lazy! this post was pointless, but it was out first weekend together again and i wanted to remember it.

weirded out

i was sitting here at work. thinking i was done with this little blog. but no. i dont think i ever will because well, i always have something to say to you or about us. i originally titled this “scared” but like i said before i’m not scared of our future, i know it will only get better. i’m more… confused? no…. weirded out? yes! that’s it. i’m weirded out by it all, and mostly weirded out by the fact that you are my boyfriend… again. (that doesnt even sound right, because you are so much more than that lol.)

is it weird, that i want to keep this relationship secret, then be like, hey y’all i’m engaged? lol. i never really got why Katie wanted to keep her pregnancy secret, but i get it now. it was hers, she didnt want questions, or unwanted advice, or in my situation, negative comments and side looks from E, who keeps lumping you in with scott, but you are no scott.



(Source: patentdecollete)



i wish i wasnt sick, so i could wrap my head around everything that is happenening. but all i can think about is my bed and garlic.

1/1/13 5AM

I only text you because of my car. I had no plans to say happy new year at all. On my way to the doctor on NYE morning, I got side swiped. Hit and run. Just my luck. I text you that afternoon and asked what my best options were. Pick and pull (even though my car is fairly new)? buying a new mirror and paining it myself (they only come in black!)? You’re handy like that. Then you shocked me and said you were planning on texting me earlier and asking me if I had plans for NYE. Huh what?! You invited me to keep you company at the roller skating rink with the girls. Then you mentioned that you got your sign, and that you were wrong for you what you did but it felt right and you still think it was necessary, and that you should have called me a long time ago. The sign? an old couple walking, holding hands, that looked like us. I just laughed. Laughed at my devastation back in November. Laughed at your/our stupidity. Laughed at life because as sad as I was, I was ready to let go in 2013. I said to myself, if it is meant to be, it will; and there you sat, looking at me with loving eyes, the eyes that I longed to see. You told me you want to start over. A clean slate, if I’d have you. Like I wouldn’t?! Ha. You said to give you an answer when I’m not sick and my head is clear. But we both know what I will say.

Life with you is not easy but I wouldn’t have it any other way because it is with you.

i’m posting this because i want to remember this feeling. like something has been lifted accompanied by a big sigh of relief. i don’t know what this means for us or if it even means anything. we cant be friends. we’ve tried. it’s impossible. too much history. too much love. so maybe we will go on with whatever we are doing, but contact wont be so cut off. who knows.
p.s. ignore the grammar mistakes. haha.

4 weeks.

it’s been 4 weeks. one month? i was doing so well. i was being so strong. then friday night i hit a wall, i was. So. Sad. (yes, those periods were needed for emphasis.) it wasnt just you though. some guy hit my car while i was PARKED and did a hit and run! i missed hot yoga (which made it 5 days off) because i had to wait for the cop. i ate fast food on the way home, because i was depressed and lazy and SO hungry. Then i read some old texts, you know, to torture myself. i shed a couple tears  but reigned that in and disappeared catching up on some of my shows to get out of my head, and vowed to go to hy the next day no matter what.

then saturday, i went to hoy yoga twice! 7am and noon. and went sunday. it helped, but today, monday, i still feel an ache. an emptyness. i want to cry right now. What is it about you that makes my heart clench, my eyes well, and my stomach tighten, every time i write about you? think about you? maybe it’s just PMS? haha

I text you that i missed you, just because i wanted you to know that.

i KNOW this is what you need, and what i need. but it doesnt FEEL right. i wish my heart could be on the same page with my brain. one day right?